Gratitude

Tonight I am reflecting on the tremendous journey I undertook in 2007. I was led in directions I never would have imagined and taken to depths that totally stripped and transformed me. This past month has been one of celebration. Although, as if to hold it all in perspective and balance, death and dying have remained an underlying theme. In the beginning of the month I took a workshop at the Trika Institute/Yoga Mandala with Dharmaniddhi on death, dying and dream yoga. Numerous synchronicities occurred there-perhaps I can share them in another blog, for they truly were astonishing). Immediately this newly acquired ritual and mediative knowledge was called into use. There was the death I helped midwife the night the workshop ended, and then the oracles I received for days that death was around me- and it was. I received spiritual teachings I needed along this journey and then immediately an opportunity to apply them. Then suddenly, it all shifted and I was cast into realms of celebration, ecstatic ritual, art, spiritual initiation, and love.


Two Tori Amos concerts- Tori, a living goddess, whose performances expressed the essence of Goddess in her underworldly, seductive and earthly forms. My experiences at these shows, so profound- there on stage, my soul being expressed- my consciousness in the guise of greek goddesses. fat slut, teenage hustler, smokey joe-sonic embodiments of my reality. almost rosey, spell reminding me of who I am. Always through Tori I discover deeper pieces of myself and am able to integrate them and feel even more empowered. I could write blogs and blogs on Tori and her influence and mirroring, but for now, I will leave it at the depth of reverence and wonder I feel about her divinely creative genius.


Three Muses. I hosted an event at my home on the 13th of December- about 60 people came. 6 musicians performed- the amazing Anandalahari composed and directed it all - for days we set up the space transforming my home into a temple. A sound engineer came, a pujari to perform puja-ritual to Ganesh (to remove obstacles) and Durga, fabulous musicians and singers...Anandalahari wanted to honor the sacred adornment I create and asked that I do a performance piece about it. So I created an invocation to the Three Muses, three different goddesses that I invoked in the piece. Saraswati, Hulda- Frau Hoelle-Hel, and Kalliopeia. Three women wore a sacred Goddess amulet I had created and danced the Goddess as I read the poetic invocations I had written for the show. All the while the musicians played the most perfect accompaniments. It was amazing. We served sacred libations, divine sweets, I sold jewelry, and we celebrated! Alice Walker said it was the most soulful event she had been to in ages. That it transformed her. Everyone was deeply affected. We all felt the sweetly seductive & intoxicating energy of the Muses. It was truly a profoundly beautiful and sacred evening.


Days later I went to LA for the opening of The Color Purple Musical, an after party, then Tori Amos again-front row! The people, the conversations, the experiences were all totally magical. In the Shakti flow my gorgeous Shakta sisterVaschelle and I danced with all that came our way and it was totally blissful. Through some crazy synchronicities we were led to the Abbey, a fabulous nightclub... The night continued to be totally phenomenal and wild. I felt totally held by Goddess' grace...I had the time of my life!


And then there have been all the wildly ecstatic yogini kula celebrations our sisterhood has had!!! Ohhh, I feel blessed. Community.


To think, to remember-There I was for months confronting Ereshkigal-raw, bloody and vulnerable. Like Inanna, I was stripped of all I thought I was and felt as if I had been left to rot on the meat hook and would never ever recover. A dark night of the soul - darker than I have ever known. There were months when I thought I had lost all hope. But isn't life like that? Great trickster that She is. Parts of my ego were devoured by the Fierce Dark Mother. And now I feel like clay waiting to be reformed. I am only beginning to have moments of relief and astonishment that I confronted and endured all I had in the underworld. It is shocking really. Perhaps most profound is that I have realized how universal it all is. These cycles of depression, despair and pain, then joy, fulfillment and growth. We always come out of the darkness- and while the light may not be what we had hoped for or expected, it is nevertheless revealing and illuminating. We find unexpected treasures and can be who we were not able to be up till that moment. And so I feel I am coming into a new phase of being. Finally. The birth has been long and arduous. But totally worth it. May we all continue to ride these waves of birth life and death however they may manifest in our individual and collective lives. And may we continue to discover and embrace who we truly are.


The Solstice, that winter day of the longest darkness, the stillness and reflection that is demanded of us...I spent the Solstice listening to Kalli share how her dance of cancer has been an expression of Kali and Shiva (!!!such profound and esoteric teachings). I felt totally awed by the mysteries of the universe and how they are revealed to us. And then, the next day I made a decision I have needed to make for months. And the Shakti has flowed ever since.


Death, Sex, Mystery, Love, Abundance. I have had it all; I have worshiped and been worshiped. I understand how each moment of living is an act of worship. We always stand in the place of worshiper and worshiped, blessed one, and the one who blesses. Death and Life. Sorrow and Joy. Life is amazing.


I am filled with awe and gratitude.