The Virgin

Now that the Sun has entered the sign of Virgo, I have been thinking a lot about the virgin. What does it mean that Goddess Durga cannot be reduced to being the virgin (or the whore)? What is a virgin? I remember being a teenager and not wanting to be a virgin any longer. Having no pubescent rite of passage rituals in this culture, on an unconscious level, I think I was longing for an initiation into womanhood. But, of course, I did not know that then. All I knew is that I needed to "go all the way." And yet, would having sex with a man (or teenage boy) really truly initiate me into being a woman?!! At the age of 16 I was ashamed to have not lost my virginity. I had 'lovers', but I also had a tyrannical father, who at the age of 12, before I had even kissed a boy had already called me a slut (I had to look up the word in the dictionary!). Given his dictatorial presence, I lived in an almost constant state of fear of being caught and then grounded for the rest of my life! Nevertheless, being a virgin was, in my mind, a state of being that made me an outsider-I was not part of the 'cool girls club' because I did not have the sexual experience that I was made to believe they had.

Let me pause for a moment to reflect on the language- to lose one's virginity? LOSE?!!! Indeed, what are young women losing when they have sexual intercourse for the first time-AND how heterosexist is this whole concept?!!! A woman can only lose her virginity to a man- not to a woman, and not to herself...hmmm...so the virgin is a state of being that has to do with being in relation to man-in patriarchal consciousness. (Consider the sex trafficking of girls and the ridiculous amount of money that is paid for having sex with (raping) a 'virgin'...) In the Judeo-Christian tradition our model of virginity is Mary. It is interesting to note the patriarchal co-option of Mary's sexual and spiritual power. Although she is the Virgin Mother of Christ, Mary lacks divine status.

In the Goddess traditions the word, virgin takes on a whole other meaning. In fact, the word virgin, means WHOLE UNTO HERSELF. A woman can have sex with man or woman and remain whole. She does not lose anything. She does not give herself away. Instead sex is a ritual act. Sex is sacred. It is a celebration of the wholeness of two beings coming together in ecstatic union. Luce Irigaray writes “Virginity must be rediscovered by all women as their own bodily and spiritual possession, which can give them back an individual and collective status…becoming a virgin is synonymous with a woman’s conquest of the spiritual” (p.116-117 “How Old are You?” in je, tu, nous: Toward a Culture of Difference)

We need to reclaim the word virgin and create rituals that honor and celebrate our virginity-at all ages, whether we are sexual with another being or not. What would a woman who was truly virginal, fully complete within herself, living in and from her own center sexually, spiritually, emotionally, and mentally actually be like? What kind of changes could possibly take place in ourselves, and in the world?