Woman as Woman

From the time we are born the society, the culture, our families all condition us into believing we as women have essentially two potential life-style choices as adults- and both are roles in relation to men. Storybooks, films, TV shows all perpetuate this male-centered heterosexist reality: One day, girl children will grow up to become wife and mother....blah blah blah. Are we ever even asked if this is what we want??? Like the virgin/whore dichotomy set up in Christianity, the wife and mother paradigm is exclusive and limiting. While it seems obvious that women who choose to marry and/or have children are much more than that, other realms of female experience are rarely acknowledged let alone respected.

For example, you go to a party and meet someone for the first time. Trying to gauge where you fit in the social order they (male or female) will inevitably inquire about your work and, perhaps "most importantly," relationship status -are you married? Single? And if single, it is assumed you must be "looking" for a partner (presumably male). If you are married, they will want to know if you have children, and if you do not at the moment, it is assumed you will want them eventually. Those of us who do not have children will certainly be asked why we do not have children-or why we do not want children. Often these questions are posed somewhat defensively and cautiously. What kind of woman would not want to get married and have babies? All too often it is assumed that those of us that make those choices must hate men. However, how many mothers are ever asked why they CHOSE to have children?

Irigaray notes that within western patriarchy culture, women are “force(d) to make murderous choices: either mother (given that a boy child is what makes us truly mothers) or woman (prostitute and property of the male)."("Women, the Sacred and Money" in Sexes and Genaologies). Women are presented with the choice of being either this or that. Women who do not choose the patriarchal model, are, like Lilith who was exiled from the Garden of Eden for refusing to be Adam's wife and subordinate, deemed a threat to the patriarchal order. Something must be "wrong" with such women.

What about those of us who want something outside of patriarchy? To have both this and that, which is modeled within the non-dualistic Tantra tradition, is structurally prevented through our isolation, through the visible and invisible restrictions placed on women. However,some of us do not want to be mother to human children (but maybe we want to mother/create books, films, other expressions of art). Some of us do not want to become the wife, a role where we often lack societal agency. Some of us may indeed want to be a wife, but have a different definition of partnership than the one we were taught as children. We need other choices, and we must not be limited to them alone. In this culture, there is no notion of women constantly becoming, rather her identity is static, fixed, pinned to one aspect of existence.

In contrast, goddess in the Shakta Tantric and other matriarchal traditions is constantly in a state of flux. As Irigaray notes in her essay, “Divine Women”, for women, “the goal that is most valuable is to go on becoming, infinitely.” (in French Feminists on Religion, 41). When will women be able to freely be both mothers, (if they consciously choose to be), partners (rather than wife), artists, sexual beings and professionals? When can women who choose to be celibate still have their erotic energies? When will little girls grow up knowing there are thousands of models of femaleness? If she wants to marry a man and be a mother- great! If she wants to love women, wonderful. If she wants to love women and men-fabulous! If she wants to be an artist, professional, healer, mystic, _______,_________,_________ or any of infinite possible modes of female expression- then, yes! What kind of social structure would be necessary for women to be able to flourish most freely and have a structural support that encourages them to continuously evolve?

Women need to be reinstated at the center of the web of meaningful life-giving activities. We need to demand and expect nothing less than absolute wholeness, sexual and social empowerment, and a wide range of choices that allow us to continuously evolve and express our true natures. Is this some far-fetched feminist utopian notion? I do not think so. What do you think?